Sorry kids, summer’s almost over. Gone are the days of short-shorts and pool parties and socially acceptable daytime drinking; it’s time to put your clothes back on and head back into the darkness. But while you’re off crying into your tank top, mourning those heady days of July, let me just remind you of how lucky you are to be done with this miserable hell-season of sunshine and popsicles. In contemplating the various reasons why summertime sucks, I realized there’s really just one: MURDER. That’s right, beach bunnies, death lurks behind every Frisbee. I’m not sure what’s behind these summer killing sprees, but it’s a tradition as old as the 4th Of July (If not older — didn’t the revolution start in June?). And that was an era when no one had central air. So, let’s spend the rest of this crummy month inside, in the dark, remembering why we’re lucky to have gotten through it alive. Is it Christmas yet?
Rear Window
Despite what every romantic comedy says, the odds of falling in love in the summer are vanishingly small. Think about it — do you really want to touch another person right now? They’re all…gross. You included. Case in point: Rear Window, a classic tale of summer un-lovin’ in the world’s saddest apartment complex. Oh sure, one guy takes it as far as spousal homicide, but no one in the building is batting a thousand. Because it’s hot, you guys. Even Grace Kelly can’t get laid in this heat.
I Know What You Did Last Summer
Summer memories! ZOMG, do you guys remember that time we drove up the coast, got tipsy, and made out with our popular, kind-of-aggressive but super cute boyfriends?! Then on the way home we maybe killed a guy? Oh noes!! And the memory of our group-manslaughter destroyed our friendships, futures, and the hope of any happiness in our adult lives?! ROFLMAO!!!!!
Dog Day Afternoon
Breaking News: Sex & The City lied to you. No one dresses up, goes dancing, or has acceptable hair in Manhattan between Memorial and Labor Days. We’re too busy murdering each other out of heat-rage. As far as I’m concerned, this is the only film to accurately depict the smelly, sweaty, crazy-eyed nightmare that is summer in the city. Oh sure, this whole thing wouldn’t have happened if these guys had been Soho House members, sipping $27 lemonade by the pool. But instead, they exemplify how the rest of us non-Soho House members feel between spring and fall: banana-pants.
Jaws
Nothing like a day of sun and surf and the mangled carcass of an unsuspecting tourist to really jazz up your vacay! We’re all going to miss lazy days at the beach, but I’ll tell you what: no one’s getting chomped to death by a great white shark when they’re stuck in the office all day. Unless they work at Sea World, in which case, drop me a line. You need a one-on-one.
Sleepaway Camp
We’ve all seen this movie, right? This is a Sundance-watcher’s guiltiest pleasure, no? Ack, okay, I refuse to spoil this for the un-spoiled, but needless to say it is a fantastically strange PSA against sending your children to summer camp, where they will surely be murdered in inventively gruesome fashions, culminating in what IMDB calls, “the most shocking climax in the history of American cinema.” That may be a little strong, but it’s definitely enough to make me glad I spent my summers doing community theater.
Mailbag
Need a good scream? Got an un-fixable problem? Or some really good gossip? I’m listening!
Email: comeinandhaveaseat@gmail.com
Twitter: @mskelseymiller
Or comment below!
Dear Kelsey,
I just moved to a new place and gave up TV (for money and emotional reasons). But I seriously miss it. Am I pathetic?
Jess
Dear YES,
I don’t have TV either, and I used to miss the crap out of it. Then I remembered that I’m literate! Reading, as it turns out, doesn’t suck! Just ask your favorite childhood movie. Here’s hoping you still have a DVD player.
k
